PTSD - Language - Music - Violin

 In the past year we have all had something new to face - Covid-19. In addition, both I and my Service Dog have had to have surgery. Miss Coco Bean has actually had two surgeries. Perhaps due to these life-changing events, my PTSD and subsequent seizures have gotten worse.

Much of the time, I lose the ability to speak after a seizure. The PTSD resulting from a car accident many years ago, has wiggled its way into several forms or sets of symptoms over the years, many of which conventional therapy methods do not help with.

Coco is turning 13 this month, and twice now I have had to face a reality that she might not have made it through surgery. She did make it, she is currently fine, but what will I do without her?

My current language issue is not completing a sentence- at any given time or place, or seemingly having two conversations with myself. I will be doing something, and all of a sudden, I am speaking about something entirely different.  I think this may be connected to the fairly common symptom of PTSD and running thoughts- only I speak them - or not.

I am going back to my violins for some help.

Going back to when I was a child, I have played violin, flute, piano, guitar, and worked out some theories regarding PTSD on cello, viola, violin, a recorder (instrument), penny whistle, clay indigenous flute.  Out of those last instruments, I have found the soprano "voice" of the violin is closest to the white noise I hear all the time from PTSD. Only a couple of those instruments inspired me enough to actually take playing to a daily level, and the violin is one of them.

Video link:  (not music) PTSD-Language-Music-Violin

Cecilio CVN300 is a very good starter violin, even when purchased used. They also make a good starter electric/silent violin. You need an amp to project the music. This is a halfway decent small amp to start with for a silent violin.

When I went back to playing a violin, I happened upon "tab" music. Tab is simply an easier way to "read" music. There are several books available for violin in tab, but I have used two from Cindy Miles for several years.

Here is another thing I have discovered about PTSD - My PTSD is from a car accident-when I go in a car it causes seizures for a few hours after the ride. I have recently had a seizure that threw me back to images of Army men and Batman-two recurring themes.

By using "figures" (a Batman 5 inch, Luke Skywalker 4 inch, 3.75 inch G.I.Joes) I have realized that when I go in a car I hear background music. The Star Wars Theme, The Batman Theme, The Marine's Hymn because of a trip to the base my uncle was stationed on.

When I had my car accident, I got "fried" to the Batman theme song- both because my son wasn't killed in the crash and because I loved Batman as a kid. I thought it was the violence of the crash, but it wasn't- it was and is the MUSIC always in the background.

Here's another example - when I was a kid, I LOVED Alvin and the Chipmunks - which and again because of the theme songs of the movies my son used to watch - well the chipmunks became the song "If I Had Words"" (Mice version) from the movie "Babe".

Notice that both songs are surreal and in the Babe song, very high pitched background noise. Very unreal, yet constantly there. I am going to record my playing onto an mp3 player and take the mp3s in the car when I have to go in a car, bringing the background noise to the level of fun listening.

The background noise is a slower calming noise - and real life is where the reality is. It is why I say people with #PTSD are actually normal as they are- I believe we find a way to sustain ourselves inside no matter what we look like "outside".

Below is an example of what "tab" music looks like- from the books by Cindy Miles.

Write Your Story, Read Your Story

Write Your Story, Read Your Story

The other day a Veteran kept pointing out to me that somehow my PTSD was different (in the context of how people react to PTSD) because I wasn't a Veteran. The conversation was about an Army Times story about Veterans and socio-economic skills. My feeling is that it is the civilian employers who need to be educated, and that anyone with any kind of military duty should be given respect and understanding when being considered for employment. The Veteran speaking to me felt I was wrong, and that Veterans should be treated like any other person. But they aren't like any other person. Not even like civilians like me who have had PTSD for over 27 years, diagnosed prior to soldiers being diagnosed (as far as I know). Soldiers of any level offer to die for us first. They cannot help but put others first, which is the definition of compassion.

I have seen people look at me differently, suddenly, if they figure out, or are told I have PTSD. "Oh, so you can't handle emotions" is what they say, which is absolutely not what PTSD is. PTSD is a brain trauma, a brain injury, and a person's thinking process changes. It is not either solely emotional, or solely violent, either, or both. It irks me that our "National Center For PTSD" is actually a VA center, does not use civilian cases in their research, and basically, pretends that PTSD was invented by the military. However, they do have some very good resources for PTSD patients. One is a report on a recent breakthrough of a possible blood test to diagnose PTSD (Military Times).

As you can see, my opinions don't always match military assessments of PTSD, I see it from a slightly different angle because mine is from a severe car accident, but my brain has PTSD just like a soldier's brain has PTSD because biologically our brains are the same. So, often, when I find something that works for me, I talk about it, you never know, it might work for you.

I have found that writing my story down, and then reading it - using it as a "continual read", is very beneficial. On the surface, I am reading words like car, hood gone, bank a mile away, where is my son, head trauma, but in reality I am reminding myself of words that balance it- survived, fought ticket, succeeded in court, son is fine, got the car frame rebuilt, etc., all the positives are as remembered as the negatives. It becomes a dialog of the event, yes, but with both good and bad, and being human, most of us hold onto the good more than the bad. So if you have PTSD, I suggest you write your story and then read your story. Not really in journal form or diary form, keep it succinct and to the point. Pretend you are writing a police report, list the facts. That is my suggestion, after many years of journaling myself. Keeping it like a report immediately validates it as an "accident" or "incident", and NOT A CHOICE. I mention it briefly in this video about using bare minimum supplies: 

White 1891 VSIIb Treadle Stitching a Plastic Book

All you really need is a tarp and some chalk, or a brown bag and a pencil, or your favorite pen and paper.

Over the past several weeks, I have had many more seizures than "normal".  I believe I am a little more back-on-track now for my sewing, and am starting to do the piecing on Quilt 4.  This time has not been wasted though, as I have been using a Spirograph set to help with my own PTSD, similar to what many Veterans go through.  I don't think the general public realizes that when a soldier gets PTSD from trauma, their life changes dramatically.  I am relatively "safe" in that I am not homeless.  Any homeless Veteran would have a more difficult time getting themselves focused again, despite seizures or other medical issues.

Please support your local Veterans.